First Trimester Maternity Clothing Shopping Reflections

As promised, I've finally put together my first trimester maternity wear shopping reflections, for items I ordered in April and May, before I was ready to announce the pregnancy! Not all these items are explicitly labeled maternity wear, actually, but for the ones not so categorized, I didn't think I'd be able to explain them without pointing to the pregnancy. 

In general, I've found that my body has changed very quickly with pregnancy, much faster and just more in all the relevant ways and dimensions than expected. Heck, I think my bust went up a full cup size super-early in my first trimester. And now that I'm solidly in the second trimester - particularly as I get into the later weeks - the changes progress even more quickly and noticeably, and often seem to pop up suddenly. 

For instance, in week 13, practically overnight, there was an undeniable bump, albeit one that was pretty small in the mornings, until I got bloated throughout the day. Around weeks 18 to 19, suddenly the bump felt huge most of the time, particularly on weekdays when I walk to and from the office. After week 21, the bump was huge all the darn time. I can only imagine that because the baby is to grow exponentially in the next 18 weeks or so, from roughly a pound at 22 weeks now to something likely more than 5.5 pounds - maybe a lot more - the physical changes will continue to escalate more quickly than I can currently imagine!

I recently discussed how, until I got pregnant, I was worried I'd have tons of anxiety about body image and all the inevitable changes to my body from pregnancy. As it turns out, this pregnancy also seems to have rewired my brain to worry and stress much less about almost everything in life, so I haven't been too, too bothered by all this so far. 

But I must admit I find shopping for maternity wear extremely annoying. Part of it is I'm frustrated that I've proven not good at predicting all the body shape changes I need to take into account when buying non-maternity clothes with more relaxed fits which I thought would work for my pregnant body. Also, it certainly caused consternation that many of my pre-pregnancy predictions for how long I'd be able to wear my looser-fitting clothing from my existing wardrobe turned out quite wrong. I didn't expect that basically my entire collection of business casual dresses, especially those secondhand J.Crew Presentation dresses - which are not too snug in the bust and have lots of room otherwise - would be uncomfortable and essentially unwearable by week 7 or so. 

Furthermore, I find that the value for money and variety of designs available in the maternity wear market, at least for US-based customers, is significantly worse than I'm used to as a customer. I guess I've become super-picky about my clothing throughout my years of keeping this blog and spending lots of time thinking about - and sometimes overthinking - my shopping and what works for my lifestyle and my personal style preferences!

There's so much viscose and rayon jersey in maternity wear, materials I'm definitely not fully opposed to, but that I don't prefer because of a history of unpredictable issues with durability, unexpected shrinkage, or other trouble when machine-washed. (Keep in mind I'm pretty careful with my laundry, washing only in cold water and generally in a mesh bag to protect the clothes; I also never put viscose or rayon items in the dryer either, I always air-dry.) Many of those viscose or rayon maternity items also feel quite overpriced - especially from Hatch Maternity, ouch - even if I try to shop on sale. 

Also, I find many common design elements in maternity wear... dispiriting. (I know, I know, I'm starting to sound whiny, and maybe a bit unreasonable.) I generally hate ruching and peplums. I don't like empire waists on tops (though I'm okay with them on dresses). I'm not fond of super-stretchy items that will feel like they're stretching tightly over the curves of the body. The prints that are available tend to be quite dull and generic, particularly the florals. The colors available can be limited and sometimes... odd. 

Pregnancy and Body Image

via Unsplash

Before I got pregnant, I was worried I'd constantly be extremely anxious about all kinds of details, including but not limited to the health of the baby; my health; everything I needed to do to get ready for baby's arrival; starting to plan out future childcare for after my parental leave; money and the many expenses associated with raising a child; how to parent and take care of an infant, etc. etc. In reality, "pregnancy brain" has, for me, seemed to come with a pervasive sense of calm. 

My mind feels newly hard-wired to not worry excessively about much of anything, really, particularly things that aren't immediate concerns or that aren't meaningfully in my control. Among other things, I've faced our recent busy period at the office with minimal extra stress or anxiety, I've become really good at taking it all a day at a time and being almost absurdly zen. That's quite out of character for me! 

I'm admittedly noticeably below average when it comes to Type-A personality tendencies relative to my typical law school classmate, and to most other attorneys who started their careers in biglaw. But historically, I still tend to get highly anxious about almost all of the many super-stressful things that come up in litigation practice and my work.

Please note that, as the title suggests, today's blog post is all about body image and will also mention some things to do with weight-related numbers and pregnancy symptoms. Along with that comes the usual important disclaimer: I'm not a medical professional, so please keep that in mind whenever I discuss health-related details. But I am guided by the advice of the team at my OB/GYN's office.

Workplace Style Thoughts: Dresses and Skirts

My favorite work dresses before the pandemic. Currently, they don't suit me as well as they used to.

Now that I've been back in the office full-time for several months, I've been thinking a bit more about the continuing development of my workplace style. 

When the New York state government first allowed nonessential offices like ours to reopen last July, my office switched to a casual dress code for the time being. There's still no indication my supervisors have any interest in going back to our former business casual dress code, so in theory, I don't really need to think about my "work clothes" at all right now. But I actually do enjoy many elements of business casual clothing - though not business formal clothing, ick! - particularly in fall/winter, so it's genuinely fun for me to think about some categories of work clothes. 

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Before I really get underway with today's post, please note that I talk about certain body shape and weight changes I experienced while social distancing and working from home due to COVID. I won't go into specific weight-related numbers, but may otherwise be quite blunt about some of the other changes. I know that's not everyone's cup of tea. 

On Work Dresses 

Prior to the pandemic, I'd developed a very set work uniform. I wore the same sleeveless or cap-sleeve dresses year-round, mostly plain sheath dresses. (Though I was also extremely fond of my  past-season secondhand J.Crew "Presentation" shift dresses with bow details in different colors.) My favorite work dresses were two fitted sheath dresses with little rectangular faux cap-sleeve details, the J.Crew "Resume" dress and another from Ann Taylor, with the J.Crew Presentation dresses as close second favorites. 

In spring/summer, I wore these dresses with light linen or cotton-blend cardigans, mostly from Uniqlo. In fall/winter, I wore these dresses with heavier sweater blazers, in particular the J.Crew "Juliette" sweater blazers (sample outfit), but sometimes with the mostly-discontinued "Sophie" sweater blazer instead (sample outfit). (J.Crew has debuted various other designs to replace the Sophie,  including the "Eloise," "Camille," and cocoon and classic styles.) I also had other types of dresses, sweaters, and jackets in my work wardrobe to cycle in to my outfits throughout the year to create some variety. I almost never reached for separates on business casual days, instead I pretty much always preferred to wear dresses. 

By late 2018 and until the world shut down in March 2020, I'd definitely settled fully into a very defined work uniform. Almost every workday throughout the year, my outfit would be one of the same work-appropriate dresses with a seasonally-appropriate sweater or sweater-jacket, shoes, and other accessories. 

Since I started returning to the office more regularly around mid-June this year - and while we still have a casual dress code for the time being - I've been slow to return to my old business casual wardrobe staples. I've only dressed in one of my pre-pandemic business casual outfits maybe four or five times, when I had important videoconference meetings with a client. I've also worn business formal only twice, for videoconference depositions. 

Pandemic-Era Health and Fitness Changes

via Unsplash

As you can probably tell from the title of this post, there's definitely a content warning on this one, as I'll be talking about weight changes (as a broad concept, I'm not going to refer to my weight in specific numbers today but I also can't guarantee that any websites I link to, including one of my own older posts, won't include more explicit discussion of weight-related numbers), diet, exercise, and certain health conditions. Please do not continue with this post if you do not wish to read about any of these topics. 

Change of Plans (Maybe)

Natori Flora (affiliate link)

This time last year, I was all ready to go ahead and start consulting with plastic surgeons regarding certain plans I'd made. I'd been setting aside cash for months by then - in anticipation of how unlikely it was that my health insurance would ever deign to cover the procedure - and I believed I had enough to cover the full cost, separate from and on top of my robust six-month emergency fund and without disrupting my other savings and investment plans. 

My overall financial situation back then, in January 2019, was admittedly not as healthy as it could be. It was only more recently, right before December, that my student loan balance dropped to five figures for the first time, just barely. And my net worth was still negative back in January last year, I didn't hit "net worth zero" until April. At the time, I didn't think this was reason enough to change my plans. In any case, if I were to move forward now, or in the foreseeable future, I'm currently in a much stronger financial position than I was a year ago.

What actually made me change my mind about surgery last January wasn't my still-substantial student loan balance, nor the obvious fact that the expense would deplete a significant percentage of my savings and assets. Instead, I got spooked by the downturn in the markets, and then by the US government shutdown. Almost my entire practice is in the federal courts, which could have eventually run out of money to stay fully open, though that ultimately did not come to pass.

Immediately afterwards, there were some unexpected events in some of my cases, and things never really quieted down again at the office for the rest of the year. (Though I also never got back on pace to bill anywhere close to 3,000 hours for the year after that extremely hectic period last January, for which I'm very thankful!) And in the end, I think a subconscious part of me is also more scared of undergoing general anesthesia and surgery - and the associated risks of complications, however small - than I originally thought. I never ended up feeling much eagerness to actually take concrete steps to start looking for a surgeon.

And now, a year on, the larger context for my decision-making is significantly changed. As time passes, I get closer to the point when I'd ideally like to have children. I think this particular decision looks very different if one doesn't plan to get pregnant in the next four or more years, versus if it's looking like a possibility in the more immediate future.

These days, I may also be thinking more critically about how much longer I expect to, or will choose to, work in the private sector. I've never planned to be in biglaw or biglaw-ish for my entire career, but I'd previously been a lot more open-minded and flexible about staying in the industry for a fairly long time. I never had a specific end date in mind, in the past, but these days, I may be more inclined to thinking about one. One's financial picture changes significantly, in that case.

Anyway, even if I was eager to move forward with the procedure right now, I wouldn't be able to any time in the next few months. My work schedule in the near future definitely doesn't have enough room for me to take even a few days off to recover afterwards.

I suppose it's clear that I've had a lot on my mind, recently. One surprising - but somewhat positive - side effect of being so busy at the office is that I've somehow still managed to find a lot of time to read for fun, probably in part because it's a more effective escape from thinking about work-related stress than blogging or watching TV. I've read quite a few enjoyable books recently, including Circe, by Madeline Miller, and The Trespasser, by Tana French (affiliate links). I hope that everyone is having a good start to 2020!

Wedding Guest Dress(es)

Now that I'm back from vacation, it's time to hit the ground running again at the office. Among other things, it may soon be my turn to take an urgent international business trip. For some litigators, business travel - both domestic and international, and sometimes on very short notice - can be quite common, but it hasn't been a big part of my practice so far. Based on my current caseload, this should, in all likelihood, be a fairly isolated instance for me. I should get some airline miles out of it too, though probably not enough to get special status from any airline, given that this is likely to be my only trip this year! 

As part of my recent trip, K and I attended a wedding - and the attendant rehearsal dinner - at two swanky venues in the Los Angeles area. The wedding was definitely the fanciest one K and I have attended to date. The dress code was still standard cocktail attire for both events, definitely not black tie, but I still felt a little under-dressed. I wore the J.Crew dress with bows to the rehearsal dinner, and the Ann Taylor lace dress to the main event. Both are dresses I also wear to the office, and in the case of the J.Crew one, that happens almost as often as once every two weeks.

I've actually worn this same style of Ann Taylor dress - I own two, in slightly different shades of blue and with slightly different lace patterns - to the last five or six weddings K and I attended, over the past three years or so. There was nearly no overlap between the guest lists at most of those weddings. Though in any case, I don't think significant guest list overlap would have caused me to change my mind about wearing the same dress each time.

We attended the last few weddings before this most recent one in fairly quick succession, and then there was a long gap between events, of well over a year. By the end of that string of weddings ending by early 2018, I was starting to get extremely bored of those Ann Taylor dresses. I started wanting to look for a more interesting or colorful formal dress, though that search never panned out. For a time, I searched halfheartedly, but my interest in the project quickly petered out when it proved to be difficult, and not that much fun. Given that we had no other wedding invitations on the horizon, there was also no urgency associated with the search.

This time around, I felt bored of this Ann Taylor lace dress after attending just this one wedding.  And we do have at least three weddings we're invited to in 2020...

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Spoiler alert: I don't think I'll ultimately end up buying a new "wedding guest dress" this time either. That's mostly because the same factors that made the search so tedious and annoying last time are still in play: I'm extremely fussy about which designs I think will work for my body type. There's a pretty long list of design elements that will cause me to reject a dress out of hand, and I also need, at a minimum, for a non-strapless bra to be completely covered. I'm also generally very picky - maybe unreasonably so - about what colors or prints I think might look good on me. And for this purpose, I also prefer to avoid any print on a white or cream backing, as well as any light color that could look close to white in certain lighting, cutting down the universe of potential dresses even further. Then, there's also the question of whether a possibly workable dress design actually fits and looks good on me, which is no easy feat because I'm quite short - generally too short for most "regular sizing" midi and maxi-length dresses to look right -  and am also on the curvier side.

Altogether, given my restrictive preferences and some of the popular trends in party dress design in recent years - for instance, those Self-Portrait lace dresses that were popular for a time definitely don't work for me, nor does basically anything that looks like it could come from Reformation's "wedding guest" dress selection - I think it's no surprise that I find this search rather painful. In fact, I find the wedding guest dress search nearly as painful as the search for a pair of jeans that I actually like and that fit (a process I endure only when absolutely necessary, complaining all the while).

All of this is to say that I might have unreasonable and unrealistic preferences for this specific genre of dress. On top of that long list of restrictions, there's the limits of my budget to think about as well!

Ultimately, it's also consistent with my "minimalist-ish" values to stick with the perfectly adequate wedding guest dresses I already have. It isn't even like I didn't have other options in my closet all this time, including that Anthropologie dress featured in my first ever monthly shopping post, or that Diane von Furstenberg ("DVF") wrap dress from my second ever monthly shopping post, among many others. (Both those alternatives are out of my closet now: I resold the DVF dress back to TheRealReal not long ago. And with the changes to my chest measurement during the intervening years, I no longer fit in the Anthropologie dress, so I'll need to find it a new home.) Nonetheless, I still reached for the Ann Taylor dresses to attend all those weddings in a row, over various other options, because I ultimately felt more comfortable in those dresses than in any of my other possible choices.

So that's probably that for this potential purchase, I'm pretty sure. I really do like looking at various colorful and pretty dresses (the more intricate and opulent the better, really, given most of what catches my eye when it comes to larger-than-life or high fashion runway inspiration). But when it comes to what makes sense for me in real life, it's pretty clear that I favor dresses with a simpler, more staid look for this purpose, and that I prefer having a wedding guest "uniform" I keep reaching for - the same dress over and over - with some variety and novelty coming from my choice of accessories, and sometimes shoes. 

Wardrobe Life Lately

Some of my favorite personal style inspiration photos recently. I keep a smaller, more tightly curated board for a small number of photos that I feel like best and most accurately capture my current ideal aesthetic.

We're only a few weeks into 2019 and what I'm hoping will be a year of more restrained shopping than in recent years past. I think it's going well enough so far, though it's obviously far too early to even attempt to claim victory or success. I've stuck to only browsing for things on my consolidated "wish list", or items substantially similar in design, and have generally not gotten distracted by anything else. With certain items from the original list, I've had the chance to try them on, only to realize that they won't work for me after all.

Spoiler alert, I have shopped this month, but only for jewelry so far, and I think it's likely to stay that way. One item technically hadn't gone on my formal "wish list" before, so I sort of broke my "all shopping must be from the central wishlist" rule, but it was something I'd tracked on another of my Pinterest lists for at least a month or two before, so I gave myself a pass.

Changing Plans

Some of my plans for the first part of the year may be shifting. Savings-wise and spacing of time off work-wise, everything's in place for me to start scheduling a certain procedure, something that should, in practical terms, keep me away from most clothes shopping for quite some time. However, now that I'm finally so close to actually being able to take concrete steps towards getting this longtime goal accomplished, I may be balking a bit, mostly because of the expected price tag. Outside of my law degree, it would be far and away my most expensive single purchase ever (keeping in mind that I've never needed a car, and that I'm not yet in a stage of life where the purchase of a home is a feasible and sensible possibility). On the one hand, I've thought about this for years, saved in earnest for nearly a year, and wanted it badly for most of my adult life. I've rarely been so sure of anything. On the other hand, such big purchases should never be undertaken lightly, so if I'm feeling any sort of doubt or hesitation, however faint, I should certainly wait until those feelings have all dissipated.

I think I'm also feeling a bit of anxiety about the risk of another protracted economic downturn. Given my age, where I grew up, and the industry I chose to enter, I've always felt like a "child of the recession", always expecting a market slowdown to cause serious disruptions to life and career at the worst possible time. It is, to be frank, a specter that has haunted every year of my life since I started law school, and that haunts me still. When I matriculated, I was well aware that recessions were highly destructive to the careers of junior attorneys and, almost more importantly, to their ability to pay off their typically massive student loan balances. I don't think I can be completely free of that kind of fear until I'm completely done with my student loans, which is likely to take another three years (though within another year or two, I should have enough cash saved that the remaining loan balance won't be as big or scary a concern any longer). And when I'm feeling nervous about the economy, I want to save more cash, not spend it.

There's also the question of whether there are other things I should spend on first, namely some cosmetic dental work. One unfortunate and otherwise permanent aftereffect of my 2017 accident is that I still have a front tooth that doesn't look quite right and is a little out of alignment. I've never actually looked into what it would take to get it back into place and looking pretty again. From what I know about cosmetic dental work, it'll probably be extremely expensive, and maybe I should prioritize that first, before any other elective medical procedure!

Shopping Lately

Sweaters are among the things almost guaranteed to fit differently if I go through with the plans I'm currently hemming and hawing about, but because we've got plenty of winter weather to look forward to, I still get tempted to try on more sweaters, the cozier the better. I'd also been so busy at the office that I was feeling some stress-induced urges to shop. Though actually, I also discovered that when one is truly busy (for the first half of the month, I was on pace to bill 3,000 hours in 2019 if I worked at the same rate all year long, a formidable number for even the busiest of biglaw associates), there is barely any time to really think about shopping or even to make some online orders. Though because I like clothes and get excited about sales, I still made some orders nonetheless. And well, things have quieted down considerably at the office now, but hopefully that doesn't increase how much I shop.

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With regards to this year's rule that I only buy things after they've spent some time on my one consolidated wishlist, it may need to be amended slightly to allow for items that are substantially similar, including in color and design, to ones on my list. I tried on a gray Club Monaco waterfall cardigan (sold out, other colors available) that was very similar to a Bloomingdales cardigan on my list, and also a funnel-neck Club Monaco sweater I thought might be similar to the one from Vince that is on my list (both items now sold out). Neither of the Club Monaco sweaters worked, though, I think their items better suit people who are a bit taller and less busty than I am.

In terms of other items on my list, I also ordered the Bloomingdales tie-waist cardigan in burgundy, but didn't like it, it had awkwardly high side slits and the waist tie didn't sit in a flattering spot on me. Outside of sweaters, there haven't been any other types of clothes I'm interested in, except maybe that, if I end up deciding not to have that procedure in the foreseeable future after all, I might want to try the MM. LaFleur Etsuko dress in blue and black brush jacquard print. Although I generally find MM. LaFleur overpriced, they don't have that much competition when it comes to workwear, especially now that I tend not to be interested in most of Ann Taylor's and J.Crew's new offerings.

The Shape of My Discontent

A version of this post has been sitting in my pending drafts for weeks, but I could never quite get it right. It concerns a decision I've made, which arises from a longtime body image-related insecurity. It's something I've grappled with my entire adult life, more than a decade, so I'm ultimately quite sure. By all standards, including financial ones, it's a significant decision, one that can't be taken lightly (especially in light of my student debt and all my future financial obligations to my family). It's another one of those things that Refinery29 commenters, among so many others (including my parents, if I raised it with them, which I probably won't, because it's a personal choice that needs no one else's input) might be eager to criticize because it's undeniable that there are countless arguably better things the money could totally be spent on.

I've decided to have breast reduction surgery, and having researched my health insurance plan's guidelines for coverage (only if deemed a medical necessity through extremely stringent criteria that I likely don't meet), I believe I'll be paying out of pocket. Due to needing to save more money, accommodate vacation plans such that medical leave wouldn't result in too much time off from work on the heels of a longer vacation, and a few other things, I won't be consulting with plastic surgeons until sometime in 2019. Anecdotes suggest I should expect a price tag of at least $15,000, which means there's going to be another year soon where my biggest expense will, like last year, be medical, only this time, it's entirely elective, and instead of costing approximately two Burberry trench coats (I had another root canal so my bills were significantly more than reported, but the fancy endodontist couldn't definitively attribute it to the accident, so I didn't include it in the post), it'll cost approximately seven.

There's no real way around how strange this decision might seem. Were I to speak of it with anyone who knows me in person, I don't think they'd understand. All the photographs of myself that I've ever shared here most likely obscure my size a bit, and I am extremely careful about selecting clothes that downsize the feature at issue. I've even joked that a necessary criteria for clothing is that it has the effect of an optical illusion that hides, or at least balances out, my chest.

Make no mistake, my size is one where a brick and mortar specialty shop that used to accommodate me with a range of brands and cute designs barely five years, and two cup sizes, ago now only offers one brand and some dismally boring and expensive designs. With my most recent size increase, it crossed the exact threshold where a specific brand I used to wear switched from a narrower band with two hooks per row to a more "industrial strength"-looking band with three hooks per row and wider spacing in between. (Given my particular insecurity, when I received that order, I pretty much decided I wouldn't wear the brand anymore.) I probably sound like I have a complex, where I can't be objective, and well, that's probably kind of true. I think one's relationship with one's own body, and the related insecurities, is always going to be deeply personal and subjective. One is always going to be prone to seeing things that other people can't.

Whatever else, this inspiration album from r/femalefashionadvice might give an approximate sense of what I feel (except most of the people there are more sharply dressed than I tend to be in my own day to day life, and generally in pieces that have likely seen some tailoring and thus fit better). It's photos of people (both celebrities and some bloggers) who I'd generally identify, from these photos, as mostly being "busty hourglasses" like myself (with one or two exceptions), and it shows that someone who seems very busty sometimes can look much less so in other outfits. See what I mean about optical illusions? Nonetheless, though I think I'm pretty good at hiding it with clothes, at the end of the day I'd just rather be far less busty, and have the ability to wear more styles without being reliant on things having a "just right" optical illusion effect. And I'm willing to pay for it.

In trying to explain this, through several different drafts, I could never find the right tone. Because it is ultimately about body image and standards of beauty that feel a bit unattainable (at least without surgical intervention) and oppressive, and because it relates to weight and body size as well, it all sounds rather dramatic and emotionally heavy whenever I try to articulate it. It has its roots in those teenage struggle with feeling "too big" and thus an "abnormal" and "defective" Asian-American girl, after all. Except that, at this point in life, as someone with more self-assurance, confidence, and sense of self, all of which seemed to just settle in quite suddenly starting in my mid-20s, without much fanfare, I started to forget the excessive heights or intensity of those old emotions. I know, intellectually, that I used to get very upset, but I can't remember why, or even, really, how it felt. So it really isn't that dramatic or emotionally weighty anymore. It's a decision I've made, and one I'm fully certain about, full stop, and nothing more to it, provided that I get to a point where I'd feel comfortable paying all at once, which will take at least seven more months. I've had some sense that I might make this decision for nearly my entire adult life, though it had never been a serious financial possibility until now. Now that it is, I'm ready.

Financially speaking, I won't be comfortable scheduling a consultation until I have more cash saved. I'll want enough to cover the procedure (let's call it $15,000) and have six months' emergency fund on top of that (currently a bigger number than it used to be, mostly because I've refinanced my student loans, and no longer have income-based repayment to fall back on, and I'm also working with my typical monthly living expenses now, rather than a "bare bones" monthly budget), so more in the vein of an additional $27,000, for a total of $42,000, which will likely take seven more months. Beyond that, there's some logistical issues, including working around vacations and scheduling my medical leave so it won't follow too closely before or after a longer international trip. I'll still have a substantial student loan balance by then, and thus, a negative net worth.

Finally, due to the dramatic changes to my schedule and my extreme commute while clerking, I gained nearly 15 pounds in an extremely short time (part of how I sized myself out of some of my blazers last year), which I wasn't able to shake naturally just by returning to a more typical schedule. I couldn't really see it myself in, say, these photos, but it was there. So I'm also trying to shed that before my future consultation. (And I'm on schedule with that goal so far, after about a month's work, at a pound a week.) This was important to me because, if I didn't accomplish this, I'd worry that I could undermine my investment, as weight gain could reverse some of the effects of the surgery. If I'm going to be paying full price, I just need to know it won't be wasted. 

2018: No Longer Coasting

via Pinterest

Working hard to accomplish challenging goals isn't something that comes naturally to me. As a child, I was a "smart slacker" - which is definitely not "smart". Many things came easily, particularly standardized test scores. Plenty of things I valued did not, however, come so easily, including my overall academic performance, which often lagged behind my abilities. I was, at least, capable of learning, to see the writing on the wall when I was letting complacency get the best of me, and to sit down and work hard to reverse that. Except that I didn't learn that much, because I repeated this pattern in both college and high school. (I didn't repeat it in law school because first-year grades are of pivotal importance, for biglaw especially. One hopes to be recruited for a post-graduation job the summer before 2L year. Failure could be catastrophic.) All of which is a long way of saying, I have a history of "coasting", trying to take it easy or goof off, when I think I can get away with it. 

Until recently, I didn't think about this much in context of my personal goals, outside of school. I was great with my 2016 New Years' resolutions, for instance, though I picked them specifically because they were manageable. My concrete plans for my money were things I knew, from K's recent experience, to be realistic. My workout scheduling plans were less ambitious than I'd accomplished at other stages in my life, albeit less busy ones than when I was in biglaw. I saw them as "baby steps" to help me adapt to working life. 

For 2017 though, the less said about my resolutions, the better. I'd gone around commenting on other people's 2018 New Years' goals entries, earnestly explaining that although I did a good job, I still felt dissatisfied, and so I needed to overhaul my approach. Only the latter part of that was true. I didn't actually remember any of my broader, more thematic ideas for 2017, and I absolutely didn't remember the suggested applications for those broader goals. If I didn't even remember the goals, I obviously wasn't accomplishing them!

Regardless, throughout 2017, I often felt that I was "coasting", taking it easier than I wanted, or was capable of, like I wasn't challenging myself, and wasn't growing. I was satisfied with what I accomplished at the office, always dealing with new projects, but outside of that, I felt a bit stagnant. The most concrete example was in the physical fitness area. I generally worked out three to four times a week, often with fairly long cardio workouts, but that is often not the most efficient approach. And so, as my body changed (perhaps due to my age, I'll be 30 this year), and as I struggled with my "supercommute" (which required moving my natural sleep schedule up by about two hours), things... weren't great. I sized myself out of some clothes, among other things. I often felt sluggish, like I wasn't taking the best care of myself. 

All of that was a really, really long way of saying that I'm changing my approach to long-term goals this year. I need a longer list of very concrete goals, with more frequent check-ins, and some amount of flexibility, if an initial idea isn't working as well as I thought. So they're not just "2018 goals" or resolutions anymore, as I'll be working through different goals by the week, or by the month. I don't, therefore, currently have a full list of the things that I want to accomplish this year, and the list is subject to change at any time, but here are some of the things I'm working towards in 2018:

• Starting now, rededicate myself to more conscious budgeting, likely using the "You Need a Budget" or "YNAB" method. Despite tracking every transaction for years now, I still felt like I wasn't being very conscious about my budgeting. I'd lose track of transactions, and had discrepancies of up to $100 in some accounts, due to my own accounting errors. I also wasn't following the "rules" of YNAB, as I entered my income at the start of every month and budgeted right away, rather than waiting for my paychecks. This violates Rule One, "give every dollar (that you actually have) a job" and Rule Four, "live on last month's income," a built in one month emergency fund or "buffer". Despite my efforts, I didn't feel in control of my budget. I've started following the YNAB rules, and will reevaluate if that isn't enough. 
• By the end of January, refinance my student loans. This is a very obvious way to save money, for anyone with a substantial student loan balance.  When pooled together, my law school loans had an interest rate of approximately 7%. Refinancing tends to result in a fixed interest rate of 2.5% to 4.0%, depending on the company and the repayment term, or slightly lower variable rates. I couldn't refinance when I first graduated, as I needed federal income-based repayment while I was clerking. I've submitted my paperwork, so I'm all set. 
• By February or March, start a workout routine that pushes me constantly. I've started by doing shorter cardio workouts, followed by a pilates session, currently one of Blogilates's/Cassey Ho's earlier beginner videos. (At this stage, because it's been so long since I've done pilates, getting through that is a challenge!) I'll likely mix in other things soon, follow some of the tips you've been kind enough to give me over the years, including by trying Fitness Blender videos. I might eventually hire a personal trainer for a few sessions. (I've proven time and time again that I'm terrible about attending classes, even expensive ones I prepaid for, so that method of adding to my workout routine is likely not on my agenda.) 
• Identify and take steps towards being low-waste. This is something I move very slowly on, but I started late last year by stopping my use of disposable paper and plastic cups at the office. Planned next steps include using (a) wax food wraps instead of saran wrap and (b) washable, reusable cotton rounds for face cleansing. I'll be on the lookout for other things I can do. 
• Keep on keeping on at work. I've always worked very hard to ensure that the bad habit of trying to coast doesn't sneak into my professional life. I put a lot into being a good junior attorney, and I'll continue to do so. 

What are your goals for 2018? Anyone else relate to the "smart slacker" thing? It was a common lament among my high school and college peers. We went to good, somewhat competitive public high schools, but weren't really challenged by the coursework, so we got used to relatively low effort for good results. College then proved to be a different animal, where putting in diligent hard work was a necessary component of the success we wanted. Learning how to focus wasn't always easy! There was much trial and error. 

Health and Wellness Lately

I don't write about body image and healthy living often, but it's one of those things that's generally at the back of my mind. With my current commute, where I'm out of the house 6:50 AM to 7:50 PM most days, it's been easy to slip into a habit of unconscious snacking. My hunger levels are all over the place! I eat a solid breakfast around 6:20 AM, but not long after I get to work, I'm hungry again and need a snack to stay productive, even if lunch (generally kale caesar salad with chicken) is just around the corner at noon. By 4:00 PM I'm hungry again, but dinner's not until I get home, hours away. Oftentimes, even when I've prepared dinner for the week, I'm so hungry when I walk in the door that I'll have a powerful compulsion to grab something, anything to nosh on while I'm heating it up, and before I know it, I'm basically eating almost two dinners when snacks are factored in. 

There are healthy snacks of course: beef jerky from Trader Joe's has proven to be one of the best ways, ounce for ounce, to keep hunger at bay for a long time; raw almonds are great; carrot sticks are good, etc. Still, that pre-dinner moment of must-eat-now! remains a constant challenge, even with so many hunger-fighting snacks in my arsenal. My body just really wants to eat dinner earlier. I never even got used to my 6:50 PM-ish dinnertimes at the firm. On days when I knew I'd be working late, I was often hungry and on Seamless as soon as ordering for client reimbursement opened up at 6:00 PM. And that was after having afternoon snacks.

On top of that, our in-building gym is closed for renovation. K bought us a folding exercise bike (likely the only reasonably sturdy cardio machine that could conceivably fit in our apartment and isn't too expensive), which has been useful. I'm also taking Barre classes with a friend, using a Gilt City deal that got me in for $12.50/class for five classes. It's typically $32/class, an unlimited monthly pass is nearly $300, and the cheapest package is still $28/class, so this doesn't fit into my current budget otherwise, but it's fun to try. At the promotional price, I thought it'd be a good alternative to going out for coffee or brunch to hang out. 

I'm generally rather skeptical about more expensive, "trendy" fitness options, probably unduly so. I'm perfectly happy to do the same workout over and over, and my ideal routine is probably just being able to regularly run on the West Side Highway running path again and mixing in some Pilates-type workouts at home. Barre really isn't for me, based on my first class. It's very different from what I'm used to (not that similar to Pilates), and half the time i had no idea what the instructor wanted me to do. Some of this isn't their fault. I'm not good at taking direction during fitness classes: I have trouble distinguishing left from right, learn new movements slowly, am uncoordinated, and have poor spatial awareness so I often can't figure out how to follow along. I'll use up the classes I bought, but am not especially interested in trying more. 

Do you have any favorite workout classes? I like Pilates, but am perfectly happy with an at-home video, and I enjoy the right Yoga class. Zumba is almost impossible for me due to my aforementioned lack of coordination, so it isn't much fun. Barre is, of course, not quite working. Spin or Soul Cycle sounds like something I could like, but I'm probably not terribly inclined to exploring it on my own. That's about it for classes I've tried or am familiar with.

Changes

I recently went back to Rigby & Peller, the specialty shop where I had my first professional bra fitting, and I'm officially one cup size bigger than at my last fitting three years ago. It isn't the biggest difference, actually, because my chest circumference remains the same, and a properly fitted bra often has the effect of making one look a little smaller under clothes regardless. Nevertheless, I am a bit mystified by how my size can change when most of my measurements didn't, but bra sizes are mysterious. In hindsight, I should have gone in sooner. I've been shopping Nordstrom sales for new bras, and I'd been marveling at how difficult it was to find a good one even when I knew my proper size. I was chalking it up to different brands and designs having considerable variation, which is true, but the main factor likely was that I no longer had my correct size at all. Oops! 

I am a bit distressed because I bought a few relatively pricey things this year that won't work as well with this change: a bikini in March and a sports bra in June. I've been using the latter frequently, and the size mismatch isn't too serious there, at least. It has some visible hallmarks of a not-quite-fitting bra when worn, but it's comfortable and keeps things stable, if you will, during my workouts. It serves its purpose and probably doesn't demand a replacement anytime soon. I have a few rarely used items, including a beautiful Chantelle bra that I bought last December (in the shade pictured above), which I might consider putting on eBay now. 

I highly recommend getting professionally fitted. It can be a magical experience, as Nicole at Writes Like a Girl recently reported. (Cassie at The Minuteglass is also no stranger to a the joy of having the right fit.) For those who are able to get spend-y and live near a Rigby & Peller, they do an excellent job. They take a lot of guesswork out of things and will bring you a selection of things to try, based on your preferences, once they've figured out your size. Essentially everything their sales associates bring to me is a perfect or near-perfect fit, and all that after figuring out my size by just taking a glance at how I looked in the bra I wore to the store. (I was wearing something very close to the right size each time, though.) They are very pricey though, especially if you're in a less common size. They stock a few bras in the $70-$80 range, but almost everything that worked for me this time was around $120. The cost per wear analysis should be favorable though: I tend to stick to a very small collection of two or three bras in frequent rotation, and I get a solid two and a half to three years of wear that way. I handwash my bras in The Laundress delicates wash, but I think Cassie mentioned getting similar longevity by machine-washing. 

Camera Shy

A few years ago (at Point Lobos Reserve in California). 

Is it strange that one of the things I get most anxious about with my upcoming transition to working adulthood is maintaining a healthy lifestyle (by which I primarily mean my weight)? Many young professionals in NYC have a hard time with regularly cooking weekday meals, and my record as a student suggests that I will not be an exception. I don't particularly enjoy exercise either. I hate how much of my mental energy is devoted to weight, thanks to the influence of pop culture and larger social pressures. An additional layer of pressure comes from my Asian-American background. Within the community and amongst family members, the standard for an "acceptable" weight and size is quite strict. 

I generally dislike being in front of the camera. I used to have a visceral negative reaction to seeing recent photos of myself because of body image-related insecurities. Back then, my distaste for photographs focused on how my face looked. These days, my tune has changed a bit, and I generally think of my face as reasonably photogenic most of the time. More recently, my insecurities center on the rest of me.

Learning to be confident about and happy with my body has been a long process, and I'm not all of the way there. Based on my own purely anecdotal experiences, it seems that more or less everyone I know has their own cross to bear when it comes to body image hangups. For me, its generally been my somewhat atypical (particularly for a Chinese-American woman) top-heavy body shape. My measurements are generally 36''-26''-37'', with much of anything extra accumulating in my chest first. Because I spent most of my teenage and young adult years being self-conscious about my chest measurement, I think that it photographs poorly and generally makes me look larger than I am. How it comes across in pictures varies dramatically depending on angle and pose. Or at least, I think so.

I'm not entirely sure what I mean to do by writing this out. I think a lot about body image issues and the way American society and media treats women and focuses on outward appearances. I know the pressure is, for lack of a better word, externally imposed BS, but its difficult to fully escape it nonetheless. 

Personal Style Evolution (Part 1 of Many)

Early this year, a friend and I were talking about fashion and style and she mentioned that she was especially fond of a more "effortless," but still feminine and polished personal style like that of Sofia Coppola. That was a little bit difficult for me to wrap my head around. Of course, Sofia Coppola is both fabulous and fabulously dressed, but I couldn't imagine it being a look that one could easily pull off in real life. As my friend pointed out, while the look appears "effortless," like any polished look, it probably is far from it. For a look like that, clothes have to fit perfectly (no small feat for those of us on a graduate student's budget) and good hair and the right makeup are a must (neither of which is easy for me, at least, even with the wealth of tutorials that are available on Youtube). 

via Elements of Style

For me, there are also some body image issues wrapped up in the whole mess whenever I start thinking about personal style. I had, at times, wanted to adopt a simpler, less frilly and fussy aesthetic over the ruffles and bows-inclined mid-2000s J. Crew look that I had wholeheartedly embraced from 2008 until very recently, but a lot of the elements of a more aesthetically minimalist look are not necessarily flattering for my body shape. I am short, though just tall enough (almost 5'3'') and with a long enough torso and wide enough shoulders that petite clothing is not always the best fit. I am also quite curvy, with a chest measurement that is, strictly speaking, three sizes bigger than the rest of me  on most American mall-brand sizing charts. It isn't necessarily as disproportionate as it sounds, given how arbitrary sizing is in general, but certain popular cuts and styles are still completely off the table for me (including but not limited to backless dresses, anything that's overly slouchy, dresses that aren't structured, etc. etc.). The button-downs and looser-fitting tops that accompany the "minimalist" look are, therefore, something that I must approach with caution. 

Even so, as the months went by, my style seemed to be evolving organically towards that more minimalist aesthetic. I started buying simpler, daintier jewelry. I decided to get a simply designed Everlane Petra tote for work in the summer. I bought a slouchy but not too slouchy sweater in the fall and wore that more than the cardigans I used to pair with ruffled or printed tops (though I still like bright colors and prints). 

via Pinterest

All this is not to say that these changes came from conscious choices. There is clearly a trend towards a more minimalist look and I certainly acquired a lot of my new preferences from reading blogs and looking at retailers' websites. The way that I am currently embracing or trying to embrace a more minimalist look might be entirely at odds with trying to live a more minimalist life if I do not think carefully about my consumption habits. Spending as much time as I do on figuring out my new style preferences and shopping for the items to make it happen might be inherently incompatible with my larger goals of living a less cluttered life.

I don't have any answers yet, not about my personal style nor about how I should approach shopping and fashion in the coming months or years. All this is a work in progress.